It’s Because You’re Into Dudes

It’s Because You’re Into Dudes

It’s happened to you at some point. You’ve found yourself, sitting there in the dark, inexplicably drawn to the man on the screen in front of you. It’s making you uncomfortable. Why are you so into the clothes he’s wearing? Why is your posture suddenly becoming upright? Why are you beginning to wonder what his workout routine is? It’s happened to you. You’re mancrushing. Some kind of superior male has crossed into your view and you can’t take your eyes off of him for a variety of reasons.

Let’s get this out of the way. Does having a mancrush, or even several mancrushes make you gay? Probably not. While mancrushes are an undeniably homo-erotic manifestation, they’re usually the result of admiration rather than desire. So you might be staring at an oiled-up Matthew McConaughey as he thrusts at the air in Magic Mike, and you might be thinking you’re McCona-gay, but it’s probably because you want that body for yourself. Same goes for you mimicking sly George Clooney glances, or head-tilted Brad Pitt poses. But if you’re sitting there with an erection and an urge to make out with him, that’s something you might want to explore a little further. Today, however, will be spent exploring several examples of men that tend to bring out the mancrush out of heterosexual men across the nation.

Gael Garcia Bernal

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Oooh! Muy caliente! Ay-yi-yi! Sorry. There’s a whole lot to crush on when it comes to Gael Garcia Bernal (GGB). But there’s really two things that stand out above the rest. First, that’s a pretty man. His features aren’t overly masculine, so he begins to fall into that androgynous aesthetic that can appear so exotic. Second, his accent when he speaks English sounds incredibly smooth. It’s disarming and comforting at the same time. GGB is that guy that flirts in a bar and then reads his poetry to whoever he takes home.

Idris Elba

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No list somehow related to this list should be without Idris Elba, or most famously known as Stringer Bell of The Wire. Where do you even begin with Idris Elba? He has a phsyique that is utterly beastly, but not comically overdeveloped in any area. He uses a posture that commands respect and oozes confidence. Whether acting in a completely believable urban American accent, or his native British, his voice booms and earns attention no matter the role he plays.

Donald Glover

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Donald Glover is like that one really nice, really funny dude in your group that’s never caused trouble for anybody and everybody seems to get along with. He’s got that mischievous charm that seems to put people at ease despite whatever potentially disastrous event is waiting. Like a black Eddie Haskell if you’re looking for a reference that most people won’t get these days. You crush on Donald Glover because of how talented he seems to be. Here’s a young guy that has perfect comic timing, and very tuned in to the wide variety of things his generation finds funny. He acts, writes, and is turning into a surprisingly respectable emcee.  He even does Complex fashion shoots from time to time.  A human dynamo practically inches away from blowing up beyond belief.

Ryan Gosling

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Monsieur Meme himself, Ryan Gosling. Gosling is your classic alpha bro, based completely on the way he looks. He’s got boyish charm coupled with adult masculinity. He looks he can take home anyone he sets his eyes upon with a smirk and a quick nod to signal, “Let’s get out of here.” But as is the case with almost everything these days, you learn that there is much more to Ryan Gosling than what’s on the surface. He saves ladies from impending danger, rescues animals, takes his mom to the Oscars, does his own renovations on a restaurant he purchased, and endless other activities that make you question what you’re doing with your own time.

Leonardo DiCaprio

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The apex. The alpha and omega. The golden god himself, Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo D. What isn’t there to say about Leonardo DiCaprio? He’s grown up before America’s eyes and he’s managed to stay consistently Leo. Slightly smug, precise aloofness, sophisticated speaking cadence, and a penchant for banging supermodels. He started off as the pretty boy you hated for some unknown reason and grown into an almost stereotypically adult version of that pretty boy. His last two movies have been vehicles for rich asshole characters, also known as documentaries. Leo walks around like he can literally have whatever he wants and there’s little cause to believe otherwise. But then you find out he does things like saving sharks, saving tigers, growing coffee to help third world people, that kind of thing. As if that weren’t enough, he even walks on water:

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So there you have it. A veritable buffet of varied masculinity that you can stick in your pocket and feel somewhat uncomfortable about having that in your pocket. If anything though, you shouldn’t feel strangely about your mancrushes. Everyone needs an idol, or role model, of some sort. There’s nothing wrong with finding ideals that you strive for in the form of another man that has apparently achieved some of those ideals. Whether it be Vin Diesel for his overly developed traps, Johnny Depp for his immortality, George Clooney for his vagina-attracting musk, or Leonardo DiCaprio for his everything, embrace your mancrushes. Embrace your heterosexual affections for another man and become the best man you can be.

-Chuck V

“Hey yo I’m still not a player but you still a hater / Elevator to the top hah, see you later”